IPL Diaries IV

The famous ones from the legendary commentary section of IPL 3 - Manoranjan ka Baap.

•“We'll aim at getting a good start, not get all out, put a good total on board and then defend it" - Sanga's strategy after being asked to bat first.
•"One team will go home happy, the other will go home unhappy" - Shastri, before a match
•“The last shot was from Yuvraj. He came on strike after the last single." - Shastri again
•"God is prayed today more than ever, at this stadium here in Chennai" - Shastri baba!
•"Ishant to Tendulkar, who has played cricket for longer than Ishant has lived" - cricinfo commentator inspired by Bhogle
•"sorry Dwayne, no Bravo there"
•"Ishant is gonna go up to Sachin and ask, "What is it about me, that makes you go like this" - Harsha
•"In IPL you want to be disciplined and not naughty if you want to win the KF fairplay award
•"Of course Chennai will win. We got the Mongoose, and oh, also Hayden!!!" - Srikkant
•"Sirf India nahin, poora desh inka fan hai" - Angad Bedi
•"You put up a good total ony if all departments (bowling and fielding???) click" - Shilpa Shetty
•"Next match will feature an engrossing contest between...... SRK and Preity Zinta"
•"Shikhar Dhawan is the other half of the partnership" - Harsha Bhogle
•"DC have a bull in their logo but they didn't play like one today!!!

( Courtesy: Ashtung, Proxy and me)

Disguise

Missing IPL a blessing in disguise - Shahid Afridi

Shahid Afridi, the captain of Pakistan's squad for the World Twenty20, believes that not being selected to play in the IPL is a "blessing in disguise" for his players. "No I don't have any regrets at all. In a way it is a blessing in disguise for all our players that we are not playing in the IPL before the World Cup," Afridi told PTI.

So Shahid Afridi doesn’t have regrets. That’s really good. But dear Shahid did you have any regrets when you were found biting the ball like a chimpanzee? Oh I guess you had some but since it’s a common practice among your species so you don’t mind being traditional on field. What a true gentleman. Always keeps his feet on the ground. I wish the new generation can be like you: Modern, yet close to their roots.

"Given the problems that have besieged Pakistan cricket in recent months it is good that we have got time to work together as a team in the World Cup training camp, it has allowed us to settle down and focus on the World Twenty20," Afridi said.

Hmmm so you said something like work together. Am I right?? When was the last time when the entire Pakistan team worked together except while sacking their captain from the team? Oh yea of course Praying is another thing which the complete Pakistani team does together but since you are traditional so it’s quite obvious. But it’s really good that you guys got the time to settle down. You have been on quite a losing spree for a long time. You need a break or punishment as PCB imposed.

Pakistan's cricketers were unanimously cold-shouldered by IPL franchises despite being put up for auction before the current season of the tournament. This was the second successive year that Pakistan players missed out on the IPL, after being left out of the 2009 edition due to political tensions between the two countries. On that occasion, Pakistan went on to win the World Twenty20 tournament that followed.

And you blame India for all your miseries.

The Pakistan squad is undergoing rigorous training in Lahore in a bid to improve fielding and general fitness before the World Twenty20, and Afridi said it did not give his players time to follow the IPL. "We really are not following the IPL closely. We don't know who is playing or who is not playing because the purpose of holding this training camp has been to gel the players and allow them to prepare as a team for the World Twenty20," he said.

Now that’s what we call focus. Some morons will say watching some of the greatest players like Shane, Adam and Anil for their last time is incomparable but how does it can even stand in front of watching the veteran Legend Misbah-ul-Haq getting himself out in the most bizarre fashion possible. Right?? Or watching Umar Gul snuff it up again over looking out for your competitors' strengths and weaknesses so vividly on display. Perfectly understandable since that would amount to cheating as your team's skill-set will remain a mystery while exposing others and that is just too cunning even for the whole team's IQ put together.

And it’s very obvious since you don’t even know who are going to captain your own team then how can it be expected of you to know who is the fourth foreign player for RR.

Being the captain and most senior member in the team, Afridi admitted he had to shoulder extra responsibility. "[If we win] I would definitely feel that I have achieved the biggest landmark of my career, I want the team to do well in the World Cup. It is a big ambition for me and I know as a senior player I will have to show the way in every department of the game," he said.

Extra responsibility?? Definitely!! Now apart from bowling, batting and fielding you will have the added stress of getting it right even while taking a bite of the cherry. The captaincy of a Pakistani team is such a tough job but I am glad PCB has decided to take the advice of captain in the team selection from next year. That is great news for you.I mean not for you but for the captain following you. I guess that’s the average tenure for the Pakistan’s team captain – 1 tour. Right?

The World Twenty20 is scheduled to begin from April 30 with Pakistan slated to play Bangladesh and Australia in the league phase, on May 1st and 2nd respectively

BTW It will be interesting to see Shahid’s stance on next IPL. I don’t want to imagine because I know what will happen.

Did anybody say – “ thook ke chatna” or “ Swallowing-his-own-spit”

A Letter to Ramiz Raja

Dear Ramiz,

For years I have tolerated your ubiquitous presence at any post-match presentation ceremony or in the commentary box. I have cringed at your 80s hair-style, wondering if you actually realised that the hairdo, as well as you, were way past your popularity peak. While your command over the Queen's language made me doubt your nationality, the on-the-brink-of-crying voice during Pakistan's defeats confirmed it.

Even as a kid, your post match interviews either made me belch or laugh, depending upon the match's outcome and my mood. You however, managed to keep them senseless and directionless with a bloody minded persistence. And every time you uttered the word 'tremendous' more than thrice in a minute, I swore to God to torture you to a recording of that single word, played over and over again, until that was the only word you could speak. But the next second I used to remind myself that that would be redundant. And just when our relationship had hit rock bottom, you went ahead and started digging the bottom by doing this.

But isn't life funny? You ask why. Because I miss you. I miss your directionless remarks because they were at least cricket. I miss you because of the new presentation team in IPL. True, you sucked at it, but you sucked at it with the authority. Albeit, the authority of an ordinary and somewhat experienced ex-cricketer, but some authority nevertheless. Unlike the bunch of nincompoops who don't have any knowledge either of cricket and (hopefully) of what they are saying. Well, if they did really know what they were saying and still said it, they should be sent on a political and media exile to the US for being so dumb.

True, you are biased against India and are miserable when India wins. But here, any time winning would be Indian so you will always be miserable, unlike the partial Sunny who roots shamelessly for MI. To be honest, I'd enjoy that more than Sunny going hero-worshipping over a Sachin single. Between you and me, I also hate Sunny getting all poetic about the moon when showing off his GK on MRF and it's horrible offspring, the blimp.

To put things in perspective, if you were to be part of IPL, I doubt if I'd feel like breaking the TV any less than I do now. But at least I'll not feel ashamed of my fellow countrymen and feel like migrating to Bangladesh every time I wake up in the morning and will be able to blame it on Pakistan. Hence, dear Ramiz, please write a letter, or e-mail, or tweet, or court summon, to Mr. Modi, his assistant or his peon, depending upon your approach inside his office and offer yourself as Pakistan's gift to Indian cricket, in lieu of Sania Mirza. I am sure he will comply

(Writer is insanely passionate about Sachin, RR and anything related or starting with word 'BIO'. In his last 1.5 year stint he has been bumped from 11 Job interviews, 2 Management college admission interviews, started and shut down a start-up in a week, worked in a company, handled the parental business and again went back to work in some other company. He blogs at : ashtung where he enlighten the world with his experience of life. To reach the writer mail on to : ashutoshbihani@gmail.com)